So in this video I would like to start off by self disclosing and sharing with you a little bit of myself
if that's okay.
Not just because I like telling about myself like Khan in that last video but Sam we self disclose and
our conversations our interactions with other people to kind of go fast.
So say for example in a court changing relationship and we may be able to sense especially in a first
myth or second me that a client's not feeling too comfortable with us they're not totally confident
that we can actually be trusted just yet with all their deepest darkest secrets and their beliefs and
their worldviews and all that kind of thing.
So self disclosure is a fantastic tool that we can use and it's not a skill is nothing like that.
It's actually just about us being truthful about our own story not about telling everything without
boundaries or a but sometimes sharing just little snippets of ourselves kind of like this.
Well I'll give you a little bit of me though.
I'm going to invite you to give me a little bit of you.
All right.
And it's kind of like this this dance that we kind of go through as coaches a little bit to the left
a little bit to the right.
I'll give you a little bit of me then you give me a little bit of you and this is kind of how trust
is developed over time isn't it.
Well I tell you this because I've introduced you to the idea of self disclosure.
No.
Back when I was young I had a funny sort relationship with my dad up probably quite boldly say that
my dad wasn't a particularly strong communicator which was quite ironic because he spent much of the
latter stages of his life in sales.
So he didn't have a problem selling things to people.
Right.
But in terms of communicating well in the in the family home and in terms of just in day to day relationships
he possibly wasn't the most of relational people.
I mean never really had too many people in his life at any given moment in time.
No there was obviously reasons for this reasons that I am still not aware of.
You know I might say I might find out someday if we ever get to this level in depth of conversation
but back when I was young my dad used to torment me all right.
He could do things like he says squeeze this finger all right is a squeeze in his finger right M and
M is so is a pressure point.
And if you do this really hard it sends excruciating amounts of pain right to your arm.
Well my dad's and the relationship I had with my dad was quite a funny one.
He used to find inflicting pain on his son a funny thing and to be honest with you I kind of like that
as well until things got too far and then something that was funny became unfunny pretty much right
away.
But the the theme of my childhood home in terms of the relationship with my dad was my dad was a very
very overpowering kind of man.
And obviously there was not any mal intent here but he would pin me to the floor overpower me physically
and sometimes if it was speaking he would.
But you know have you ever seen someone who does that when you start speaking then the cuts end and
go public.
But no he thought I was funny but he says Send me round the twist getting interrupted all right and
sometimes if I was speaking to friends or family or anyone right he would come in and then just cut
me off and then just dominate the conversation.
And another learned from a very very young age that I have absolutely hate being interrupted and I'm
guessing that in all our years this really sperm used to become with a strong communicator.
I mean look at what I'm doing today.
All right.
Communicate to the masses know on a global scale to global audience and to do so and I guess one of
the fantastic things about video was I can say whenever I want to see without any interruption whatsoever
it's great.
I love this and this just feels so natural for me.
But but I'm guessing that how we communicate you know as we go through life is sometimes always gonna
be you know reflective or as a result of kind of how we were communicated with.
Back when we were young.
All right remember we all develop these limits and beliefs about ourselves back in the early stages
of our life which are just the stories that we tell ourselves in response to the interactions and the
communications that we have with other people.
So over the last decade as I've really started working with people in a therapeutic context in a coaching
context and helping context and even in a teaching context I've really had to refer in myself at times
and hold myself back and contain myself from speaking out of turn.
All right.
Because I understand that when I am not controlling and mastering my my conversations my interaction
my communicate with other people if I speak out of turn if I am not responding or attending people they
connect I can end up damaging and tearing down trust before it's even harder.
Opportunity to start getting built up the race can damage and kill relationships sometimes before they
even get started if we're not aware of where other people around.
So I would introduce you to an idea in this video from a gentleman.
This fine looking man behind me right here a gentleman named Mr. Thomas Gordon.
No he wrote a book around about maybe 30 or 40 years ago called Am parenting or parent effectiveness
training.
All right.
So he defined this idea as the 12 roadblocks to effective communication.
Now the big three that he wrought was geared towards parents communicating and interacting more effectively
with the children.
Now the reason I want to build this idea into the course is because as human beings we tend to develop
the communication styles and habits that we do.
Back when very young in response to how our parents interact with us.
All right.
So now you have some context.
Writes I've learned to be quite a strong communicator over the years but I had to learn to be quite
a strong communicator so that I could be heard.
Back when I was young sometimes by an extremely overpowering father.
All right.
It's funny how our past sometimes shapes are present in the direction it would take in life.
All right so how do I thank my dad for his overpowering nature.
Absolutely because it's more that it shaped me into the man that I am today.
Well part of the man that I am today anyway so let's have a look at these roadblocks to effect a healthy
and effective communication so it's important that we are mindful and understand these as life coaches.
All right.
Because if we communicate in any of those in any of those ways.
All right.
We can end up unknowingly triggering something in our clients that can end up doing more damage than
good.
All right people more often than not respond more to the perception of reality than reality itself.
So sometimes if a person has a has had a negative experience in the past or what they've perceived to
be a negative experience in the past and then we communicate in a way that just reminds them of that
we can draw them hearts from the past right into the present and this can obviously cause all sorts
of other issues for them.
So let's have a look at these ordering directing commanding.
Know this is kind of more of a kind of an authoritative communication style isn't it.
If you've ever studied leadership theory if you've ever studied MPO or managing organizations and people
what if the core leadership styles is often taught is based upon the ideologies of a gentleman named
Machiavelli who wrote a book called The Prince this book and the prince is as is very much what is taught
and explored and looked apart looked upon and people studying politics are obviously a leadership and
management when they're looking at the leadership styles and all that kind of thing.
So this guy Machiavelli in his book called The Prince and Luke starts what.
An effective leader should be and how an effective leader should and must communicate his way of thinking
and looking at life was there a leader should be his better to be feared than loved when people fear
fear they will toe the line and they will fall into line and all that kind of stuff which is what a
good king or a prince must must be.
And then some people who are who've perhaps been on the receiving end of this authoritarian approach
of leadership are parenting then go on to act and behave exactly this same way with their children.
And guess what.
When we are being ordered around when we are being directed and commanded and told what to do.
And this really does promote irresponsibility doesn't it.
Granted some parents might think that they're doing their kids a good turn by ordering by commanding
by directing by telling them what to do.
But I guess this is not really encouraging little people to exercise their own means and it'll become
decisive in their in their own right exercise their ability to make their own decisions.
All right.
So us as coaches you know you know if there's any part of far being any part of our approach to communicating
that is in any way authoritative the orders of the ranks or commands and might even just be the tone
that we take our posture or body movements is may not be the case that we are intending to order our
director command.
But sometimes people will just perceive that we are because of the experience they have in the past.
This can become a real roadblock to healthy communication remembers it too.
It's a two way street isn't it.
There's one thing.
What we see and how we see it what we say in this something else and how we're how we're received so
sometimes our words could be completely overlooked our intentions could be completely overlooked f our
body language our posture is perceived as being ordering or directing or commanding by nature and this
is something that I've had to really work on over the years and it's something that I'm still I'm and
fully on top of for right.
I do tend take a bit of an authoritative stay or some sometimes in my communications warning threatening
admonishing All right.
This is a tough one isn't it.
All right.
Have you ever found yourself getting frustrated with someone you know when you want the best for someone
or you want the best for your children or your husband your wife your friends your parents.
Sometimes we want more for the people than than what they want for themselves.
Sometimes that's not the case.
Sometimes we're just impatient.
Sometimes we become impatient because people don't pick things up.
They aren't as quick in there and take us as what we would like them to be.
And I've also found myself falling into this trap as a coach especially in the early days there was
a there was a guy I worked with once a lovely guy.
All right.
Was your pin.
Yes.
Was he receptive.
Well as things transpired yes he was receptive but he just wasn't as receptive as what I wanted him
to be in the time frames that I kind of set upon him.
All right.
So what I'm saying is in the past I have it's not I've ever you know become threatening or warning or
anything like this.
But you know right back when a star caution when clients perhaps wouldn't grasp the idea that I was
communicating I would get frustrated and I'm just being completely honest with you here.
All right.
There's there's a pretty good chance that you're going to find yourself you know experiencing the same
level of frustration people you know absorb and take ideas information and learn and grow at different
paces.
All right.
If we're ever perceived to be conducting ourselves in this way people will shut down and they will completely
you know close off to us.
So as a health it's a roadblock to healthy communication and moralizing preaching should do's and or
twos I find this one of the most patronizing communication styles in the whole world.
All right.
I think of the of the experience that I've hards of you know Christianity and my experience in the church
I'm not saying it was bad it wasn't he I've learned some fantastic lessons along the way.
Certain individuals.
That's all you know is possibly for me certain individuals you know can have a responded to over the
years people who just think they have all the answers.
You know if you've ever had a parent or teacher or an elder or a grandmother or a minister or a pastor
or a preacher or something like that who starts wagging their little weathered finger at you you should
know better.
You know I've trained you better than that.
I raised you better than that.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
You're a disappointment to me and that kind of stuff where people take that kind of moral high ground
and look down on other people.
Well all right.
You might be ask him so how is this relevant to life coach and will I have known many people over the
years to fall into the significance trap.
What I shared in that last core values section you know the significant drop where sometimes we've taken
a few courses we've read a few books.
We are a little bit self aware we know of ourselves in some aspects of life and we take this high ground
kind of like you know I'm a guru of life you know I'm an expert of life.
You know it's kind of like I am on this journey.
All right.
There's not many of the people in the world who have progressed in life to the degree into the depths
of which I have progressed you know I know quite a lot perhaps even significantly more than others that
I take the moral high ground that I might even start getting a little bit preachy preachy teaching TEGA.
Yeah.
And I don't care what you nor do I know.
All right.
I just want a preacher.
Yeah.
And I want to teach you.
And I just want you to know that I know more than you whether I do or whether are doing is irrelevant.
And that may seem a little bets.
I heard about heart but how many people do you know who take this ground in life.
All right who would rather try to teach you that understand you.
You know I've had to literally walk away from some friendships sort of hard so people that are really
cared about because the conversations and the relationships became dishonoring they became completely
disrespectful.
You know had I had a minor relationship who you know a really important relationship in my life around
about eleven twelve years ago.
And this man was a really significant man about stage of my life back then.
He would teach me.
He would lead me into enslaves.
Help me understand things of myself that I never knew.
But the relationship never moved beyond student teacher if that made sense.
Twelve years on I'm speaking to the same guy saying listen can our relationship evolve please.
You know can you stop trying to teach me can you stop trying to advise me I'm finding it quite patronizing
I don't need you to teach me Can we just connect meaningfully instead.
Yes some people won't change because you know they're off this place of moral high ground.
I am older than you therefore that means that I'm more experienced the new I know more than you I understand
more than you I perhaps even better than you.
What I'm saying is there's no such thing as a button tension right let's give people the benefit of
the doubt but from our own perspective we can't control how other people walk towards us but we can't
control how we react and respond towards them.
So let us not be for other people the kind of people that we wouldn't want to have for us.
All right so moralizing Prejean should do is and ought to is you ought to know better you should be
doing this and who are we to say who made us the experts of other people's lives.
That's right.
We ain't advising giving solutions suggestions especially the coaching context or any professional help
in context.
This is completely inappropriate.
All right.
And the only advice I could give you in life right now would be based upon what I would do if I was
in the same or similar situation.
But what I should do most certainly is not what you should do oh advice is always going to be subjective.
There's no advice I could give you would ever be objective.
Right.
Advice don't operate like that.
All right.
My advice.
The advice I offer if I'm given no solutions are making suggestions can only ever be based upon my experience.
Granted through this course I've made some suggestions but it would be completely ignorant for me to
say this is how you must life coach.
Here is a process that you must stick to.
There are five steps.
This is how you get it right.
Granted many people in their thinking who look for the five master steps or their seven Master stages.
Why.
Because many people are lazy in the thinking.
Many people would rather wait to be told what to do and given the complete solution and figure things
out for themselves so when it comes to working people in life.
Guess what.
We are a global population of six point seven or six point eight billion people.
Every single person is different.
It is completely inappropriate for us to apply the same steps or stages a process of using one person
with another.
Why.
Because everyone's at different levels and stages of life and phase and giving solutions suggestions.
That is not our role was life coaches.
Our role is to simply understand where people are at.
By giving them time and space to better understand to make sense of their own lives to figure out what
they want and then ultimately see for themselves the steps that they need to take to get from where
they are to where they want to be.
Towards the end of this section I'll sure yeah and share with you is a six a six stage air cushion process
if you like.
It's not a process it's just more of a framework.
All right where you can literally help people have their breakthroughs in fact experience a complete
breakthrough solve their problems in one conversation might take you half an hour.
All right.
Coaching can be as powerful was this when we understand frameworks and principles processes are going
to differ for different people based on their needs.
All right frameworks is kind of where it stands right and we can't give advice based on frameworks right
advise and given solutions making suggestions.
Not another sub for as up to the people to work it for themselves and make decisions about what they
need to be doing next.
All right.
This is where the empowerment comes through our clients taking responsibility for themselves.
If we are advising given solutions suggestions this is asked take responsibility for them.
Here with me it's not going to solve our clients if we do this using logic arguing or over intellectualizing
life right.
I'm going to come back to the American Board of Psychiatry again right and I'm going to wag my lot weathered
finger at you guys for over intellectualize in the human experience.
Look at how much damage you have done to the world my friends get your bloomin head.
So the textbooks and look at where people are at General how many new conditions are made up and invented
every single year.
Do you know how many conditions become obsolete every single year.
Do you know the word schizophrenic right.
No.
I literally learned this just a couple of years ago when a study in the social sciences we had one and
one of their offices social sciences psychology and when I was in were still very much in the early
stages of my journey of learning.
I was presented with schizophrenia.
This was like ah a one week major topic schizophrenia right.
Look at all about schizophrenia and I discovered around the boat as being three weeks later that the
term schizophrenia is no longer used in professional circles.
Instead it's been replaced by a round about five or six other conditions.
All right it's been superseded right.
Believe it or not so go tell what all the people who were you know who were told they were schizophrenic
back in the 60s 70s and 80s.
Poor buggers.
All right.
The doctors these professional helpers said you are schizophrenic that's who you are.
You know common undergo our treatment of these guys is oh my goodness I'm a broken human being.
I'm a schizophrenic.
Oh my goodness.
And no the mental health professionals are saying it didn't even exist.
It was something else instead.
Oh my goodness.
How is human beings we can get things so wrong sometimes when we over intellectualize a human experience.
All right you know what there is in the world right now there's just six point seventy six point eight
billion different ways of doing life.
The six point seven or six point eight billion different ways of learning and receiving and retaining
information and interpreting the world.
All right.
When one person says it all my way is the normal way.
Then what.
That therefore that means that every other way is the incorrect way we sometimes look at academia and
information and we see our own.
How am I going to make sense of life.
I'm going to make sense of my world in this really academic way in life as an academic.
Life isn't a scholarship is right here right.
No.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and they've shared with you.
Their experiences start to open up and then you say Well I disagree but that's not right.
All right.
And then you get into a disagreement or a head debate with someone now that might be fine if you're
a pimply faced student in university or college who doesn't know any better.
All right.
But if you're a fully grown adult then what I'm going to boldly suggest here is that disagreeing and
using logic good people and you know when communicating is completely heartless and it is going to tear
down trust.
Right.
I I've never known to people to have an argument where the end of the argument one person says Oh you
know what.
I'm so exhausted from this argument you've argued me into seeing things your way.
What happens when one person says you're wrong.
How about it's you're having an opinion about what I'm saying right now.
And I just say to you you're wrong.
What's going to happen.
You're going to get your backup aren't you.
And if you have got your back up towards something that I've said through this course so far is only
because of an idea that you've embraced from someone else at some point in the past.
All right.
And how does that we grow in life is when we look at new ideas new information from alternative perspectives
that generally just differ from our own.
It's fine using argue is fine using logic is fine even arguing sometimes.
Right.
But certainly not in the context of a happy relationship someone comes to us and says this is how I
see things.
We don't say you're wrong you're incorrect.
We're completely undermining and belittling another person's ability to make sense of their world.
It's completely disrespectful and a fantastic way of tearing down trust.